Surviving or thriving?

We’re either surviving or thriving in life. To survive indicates that we are operating under the assumption that life is dangerous, that it’s set up for us not to get what we want, that others are out to get us and that, if we stopped manipulating and cajoling, we would soon go under. To thrive means that we have chosen a new foundation. We’ve stepped into an awareness that the possibilities for love in our lives are unlimited, that abundance is ours for the asking, that what we have to bring to the table is very much welcomed, and that, if we just open ourselves up and start trusting both ourselves and others more, goodness and love will flow toward us always. - Katherine Woodward Thomas

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I first found this quote a few years ago, just as I was coming to the painful realization that I had once again allowed myself to get involved in a relationship with a built-in expiration date which had been clearly stamped on the package when I opened it. In that particular case, I’d recently ended a long-distance relationship, and I’d sworn to myself I wouldn’t do that ever again. Except that, well, there I was looking at plane fares to go see someone who lived even farther away. Wait, what?

You’d think I’d have learned from that. Hell, I thought I had learned from that. But I kept finding myself saying, “I will not date someone who is/has/does [trait X]; that is a bottom-line issue,” and then turning around and, you guessed it, falling head over heels for someone who had that very dealbreaker trait. Wait, whaaat?

And I’ve done that in my professional life, too. I’ve sworn up one side and down the other that I was dropping a difficult client or refusing to lower my (extremely reasonable) rates or pursuing a really desirable project — and then let the difficult client know I was available because having room in my schedule made me nervous, or  lowball an estimate for a project because I figured any money was better than none, or let an opportunity slip by because I just didn’t know how I’d make time for something, and besides, I was probably competing with half a dozen other people with better qualifications, so why bother. Ummmmm…

In short, I’ve been damn good at ignoring my own needs, values, and convictions. Worse yet, I’ve tried to convince myself that I was perfectly happy that way. That all I really needed was the low-hanging fruit. That I could learn to be content in a situation that I already knew was never going to give me what I wanted. That I should settle for what I could get, because you can’t snuggle with — or pay rent with — a need or value or conviction.

Now, for comparison: this weekend, I bought five pounds of exquisite heirloom tomatoes at the farmers’ market. As I type this, I’m eating one, sliced up with a little salt and olive oil and balsamic vinegar. It is the best thing ever. And you know what? When it’s not tomato season, I don’t buy tomatoes. I find other delicious things to eat.

And I finally get that that’s the difference. Merely surviving is like buying a sad tasteless supermarket tomato and trying to persuade yourself that it’s succulent and flavorful — or, worse yet, trying to pretend that you actually like pink styrofoam — just because the Safeway is open 24 hours and it’s just a few blocks away. And by comparison, thriving is saying, you know, I’m going to go out and find the most beautiful, perfectly ripe Black Krim tomato I can, even if I have to wait until the weekend and go across town to the farmers’ market, because nothing else will do.

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