10 signs that elephants are near, part 1

When people tell you who they are, believe them. – Maya Angelou

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Like many people, I grew up in a family where enormous multicolored elephants lumbered regularly through the room. Not only did no one acknowledge they were there, it was entirely possible that someone would proclaim loudly that there was no such thing as an elephant in the first place and that there must be something wrong with anyone who imagined seeing one.

When you’re a kid, entirely dependent on the adults around you, and you get in trouble with them for pointing out that there’s a pachyderm in the parlor, you figure out in a hurry that your life will be a lot easier if you teach yourself to ignore it, or at least tiptoe around its droppings. When you reach adulthood, though, this adaptive behavior is less than useful; it turns into an astonishing ability to pull the wool over your own eyes with friends, family, and lovers alike.

It’s taken me much of my adult life to learn when someone’s words are redolent of elephant shit. This list of the top ten signs of a circus animal infestation is not definitive or complete. It’s just a starting place for discussion and later posts. Here are the first five:

1. “I’m doing this for your own good.” You’re dealing with someone who believes it’s okay to treat you poorly — and trying to convince you that you should be grateful for it, to boot. Run like hell.

2. In response to a direct request: “Maybe.” (alternatively, “We’ll see.”) This person doesn’t want to say yes, but isn’t willing to give you a direct no, either. Maybe she’s afraid of making you angry or upset. Maybe he’s hoping he can put you off until you forget about it. Maybe she’s keeping you in reserve in case she doesn’t get a better offer. Maybe he just doesn’t know the answer yet — but don’t bet on it. If you ask when you can expect a definite answer, and you get more wiggle words, “maybe” means “no” and “we’ll see” means “we won’t.”

3. “I’ve never been in love.” This is only endearing when it’s coming from a teenager. Otherwise, it’s an entire parade ground of red flags. Someone who says this may not intend to hurt you, but he also doesn’t intend to love you. In fact, he’s making it pretty clear he intends not to.

4. “You’re overreacting.” Could be. But probably not. Life is not a sitcom, and things usually are pretty much the way they look.

5. “You’re too good for me.” (alternatively: “You’re so much smarter than me” or “You’re so much better at xyz than I am” or any other waify statement) Warning! Someone is trying to manipulate you into thinking, “Oh, this person has me up on a pedestal, I need to prove that my feelings are genuine and not just pity.” And then you’re right where she wants you: trying to win her over. Remember: being controlled by someone’s (real or feigned) weakness is still being controlled.

Part 2 here. In the meantime, do you have any of your own?

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