10 signs that elephants are near, part 2

October 28th, 2009

In my previous post, I listed five phrases that should warn you that there’s an elephant somewhere in the room, suggesting that you protect yourself accordingly. Here are five more:

6. “But I’m your partner/parent/relative/sibling/friend.” (Before-the-fact version) This person wants (or worse, expects) you to let her do whatever she wants. The fact that someone has sex with you, birthed you, raised you, grew up with you, or held your hair as you puked after that unfortunate Jagermeister incident does not obligate you to bend your rules, ignore your ethics, violate your bottom line, or otherwise make an exception for her. Someone who loves and respects you will abide by your boundaries.

7. “But I’m your partner/parent/relative/sibling/friend.” (After-the-fact version) This person isn’t even bothering to warn you about his plans to trample your boundaries. He just waltzes blithely over them while insisting that your relationship gives him the right to treat you badly — and what’s more, that you’re the one in the wrong for not liking it.

8. “It’s not you, it’s me.” It’s never one or the other. It’s the combination of the two. Don’t blame yourself, don’t blame the other person, don’t try to change yourself or the other person. Just accept that this is how it is, and move on.

9. “It’s all your fault.” (alternatively: “It’s all my fault.”) No, it’s not. As in #8, it takes two — even if one of you contributed 99% to the problem and the other just 1%. Own your part (even if it was just to put up with the situation five minutes too long) and vow to do it differently next time. And while you’re at it, study up on the Karpman Drama Triangle. The only way to win this particular game is to stop playing.

10.  “I love you.” This can be a lovely sentiment. But it can also be a bribe someone is offering in order to get something else in return — cash, sex, attention, reassurance, forgiveness, or (you guessed it) an exception to your personal rules. You’ve probably done it yourself. I know I have. And you know how it feels. Check for dangling strings before you say “I love you, too.”

Thoughts, questions, additions to the list?

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