It’s not nice to be “nice”
Conversation I had with an ex-boyfriend about a decade ago:
Him: I wanted you to hear it from me first — I’m getting married.
Me: Huh? Don’t you think you should date someone longer before you propose?
Him: What do you mean? I’ve been seeing her for almost a year.
Me (eyebrows levitating off my face): Excuse me? You only broke up with me six months ago.
Him: Um. Well. Um.
Me: You were dating her the whole time, while telling me we were exclusive?
Him: I didn’t want to upset you.
~~~
Conversation I had with a male pal a couple of years ago:
Me to male pal: So I hear you and [girlfriend] signed a lease together! That’s great!
Him: (unenthusiastically) Yeah.
Me: It’s not great?
Him: I love her, but I don’t see us getting married, and I know she considers that the next step.
Me: So why did you agree to live with her?
Him: She really wanted it, and I didn’t want to hurt her feelings.
Me: You don’t think it’s going to hurt her feelings more when she finds out you only moved in with her because it was easier than breaking up with her?
Him: I’m not going to say that to her!
Me: Oh, are you going to marry her to keep from hurting her feelings, too?
~~~
I am all in favor of being nice, if by “nice” you mean “behaving with integrity, being clear and straightforward, and not being deliberately cruel.” And sometimes that means acknowledging that you’re going to disappoint someone, dash someone’s hopes, or break through someone’s denial. Sucking it up and accepting that you can’t please everyone. Deciding that your own needs and desires are just as important as the other person’s.
I am vehemently opposed to being nice, if by “nice” you mean “not causing conflict that might leave me feeling bad about myself” or “concealing what someone else needs to know because the consequences of revealing it might make me uncomfortable.” That’s not being nice; it’s being manipulative. At worst, it’s sociopathic, something people do to get away with murder. At best, it’s codependency, being willing to sacrifice yourself in exchange for the dubious reward of feeling like the Good Guy. And that’s a booby prize, isn’t it? Because once the other person finds out you did (or failed to do) something simply because you wanted to keep the peace, well, the other person will be twice as upset. Because at that point it’s not just about what you actually did or didn’t do; it’s also about the fact that you’ve been living a lie ever since.
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Nicely put! And I’m not just saying that to be, er, nice.
amen, sistah.
Makes me feel like they are saying “I don’t want to hurt your feelings so I’ll just ruin your life. Thanks pal!” Good blog Fawn.
Sing it. Also, you know what? You don’t have to be an a-hole just because you’re delivering “bad news”. Just be honest and respectful. It’s not that hard.
I think you nailed it when you said “not causing conflict that might leave me feeling bad about myself.”
Of course it’s hard to tell whether someone is engaging in dysfunctional conflict avoidance, or simply rationalizing what is convenient to them with the idea that it avoids hurting another person. Equally destructive but one is a little douchier than the other. I’m inclined to be less charitable and think the latter about ex #1 up there.