On being “high maintenance”
Earlier today, a friend’s boyfriend posted on Facebook, “In her heart of hearts, every woman who has ever lived assumes she’s low maintenance. Discuss.”
Someone made the comment that she thought of herself as low maintenance, because she’s independent and pulls her own weight. I immediately replied, “Let’s define the terms. I am fiercely independent and have no desire for a sugar daddy. But I want to be respected, cherished, and made someone’s top priority, and I refuse to let someone make me an afterthought. That’s what I mean by high maintenance.”
There’s this idea, apparently, that paying attention to and tending a relationship is a burden, and that a partner who wants and expects it is demanding. But why? We maintain our homes, our careers, our cars, our appliances, our teeth. Why not our relationships? Are they not worthy of our attention? Are they supposed to operate flawlessly on their own, with no care or fuel? What’s wrong with the idea that something valuable is worth caring for — especially if that something valuable is the well-being and happiness of the person you supposedly love?
No one is ever going to accuse me of being a prima donna. I’m not impossible to satisfy; I don’t whine or hold a grudge; I don’t nitpick about inconsequentialities. When I say I’m high maintenance, here’s what I’m saying: I know what I want, I refuse to apologize for wanting it, and I take full responsibility for it, including being willing to walk away from a situation when it becomes clear it’s never going to lead to what I want.
It took me years to get here, so I’m going to embrace it. High maintenance? You better believe I am. And I’m worth it.
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we should all be so high-maintenance! expected to be treated as someone’s top priority should be BASELINE!
Interesting. I never thought of high/low maintainance as referring to relationships; when I’ve heard the term, it’s usually about individuals. All relationships require work, of course, but in this context, I’d say someone is (too) high maintainance if they demand more than they’re willing to give.
Oooh, David, that is a great way of looking at it.
Whenever I’ve heard the term, it’s been a pejorative — usually applied to a woman who’s asking a man for something he’s not willing to give.
I think of it in terms of individuals. And really even some houses, cars and careers are too high maintenance and people leave them too.
I thought it was an interesting example when one of my exs arrived at my parent’s house with her car on fire. She was high maintenance, not that a person/relationship isn’t high priority, not that I didn’t cherish and love and respect her, but for various reasons it was a crisis to crisis life, that was very challenging. For someone, she was the right person, not for me though.
Someone who constantly plays the victim and/or kicks up chaos isn’t “high maintenance,” they’re flat-out dysfunctional.
Amen, sister! As I tweeted last night, If he thinks I’m “too high-maintenance,” he obviously doesn’t deserve me! (Spoken by a woman whose boyfriend likes to tease that I’m “high maintenance”… but also says I’m worth it. And ditto for me. ;-))