On being “high maintenance”
Earlier today, a friend’s boyfriend posted on Facebook, “In her heart of hearts, every woman who has ever lived assumes she’s low maintenance. Discuss.”
Someone made the comment that she thought of herself as low maintenance, because she’s independent and pulls her own weight. I immediately replied, “Let’s define the terms. I am fiercely independent and have no desire for a sugar daddy. But I want to be respected, cherished, and made someone’s top priority, and I refuse to let someone make me an afterthought. That’s what I mean by high maintenance.”
There’s this idea, apparently, that paying attention to and tending a relationship is a burden, and that a partner who wants and expects it is demanding. But why? We maintain our homes, our careers, our cars, our appliances, our teeth. Why not our relationships? Are they not worthy of our attention? Are they supposed to operate flawlessly on their own, with no care or fuel? What’s wrong with the idea that something valuable is worth caring for — especially if that something valuable is the well-being and happiness of the person you supposedly love?
No one is ever going to accuse me of being a prima donna. I’m not impossible to satisfy; I don’t whine or hold a grudge; I don’t nitpick about inconsequentialities. When I say I’m high maintenance, here’s what I’m saying: I know what I want, I refuse to apologize for wanting it, and I take full responsibility for it, including being willing to walk away from a situation when it becomes clear it’s never going to lead to what I want.
It took me years to get here, so I’m going to embrace it. High maintenance? You better believe I am. And I’m worth it.
Filed under progress, Uncategorized | Comments (6)The pie crisis is upon us
So apparently bad weather has so damaged the nation’s pumpkin crops that there’s a nationwide shortage of canned pumpkin — which would not be a big deal but for the fact that next week is, oh, the one holiday on which pumpkin pie is not optional. So what does this have to do with me broadening my horizons? Simple: I am in charge of providing pumpkin pie to about a dozen dessert-lovers on Thanksgiving Day, and I don’t want to resort to substituting butternut squash or sweet potato unless I have absolutely no choice. So I need to get brave and bold and imaginative about the hunt.
Step one: Tomorrow, I am going to Trader Joe’s and Safeway to assess their pumpkin inventory. If they have canned, I’ll snag enough for a couple of pies and a few batches of my favorite pumpkin cookies. Problem solved.
Step two: In the absence of canned pumpkin, I’ll need to consider the fresh kind. It’s harder work, but I’m willing to make the effort.
Step three: If there’s no pumpkin to be found in my usual haunts, I will broaden my hunt to Cal-Mart, Bryan’s, and the giant Safeway at Market and Church.
Step four: If that doesn’t work, I’m thinking my only hope is to post a Missed Connection on Craigslist. Me: short, dark hair, deep dish pie pan. You: short, round, orange. I’ve seen you many times before but now I don’t know where to find you. Email me with something only you and I would know, like the secret ingredient in my pumpkin pie recipe.
Tossed salad post 2
I have a deadline tomorrow, so this will be another succinct list of things that have delighted me lately:
- One of baseball’s all-time great moments presented as an animated short — I’ve watched this three times and it gets better with each viewing.
- Wikipedia’s list of unusual deaths. I know, it’s morbid, but in a good way.
- Neil Patrick Harris joined Twitter and is already being funny.
- According to my bathroom scale, I seem to have lost four pounds already.
More anon.
Filed under Uncategorized | Comments (3)You want the cute?
You can’t handle the cute!
I don’t ordinarily go for the wee dogs, but this little Yorkie named Sophie charmed the crap out of me with her stylish brown and pink barrette and her little “baroo?” face. When I whipped out the camera, I swear to you, she actually struck a pose. Sadly, she lost interest in me as soon as it became apparent that I didn’t have any chicken or bacon cached somewhere on my person. But I did get one great shot.
I have to say, it’s a lot easier to ask people, “Can I take a picture of your dog?” than “Can I take a picture of you?”
Filed under progress | Comment (0)It’s not nice to be “nice”
Conversation I had with an ex-boyfriend about a decade ago:
Him: I wanted you to hear it from me first — I’m getting married.
Me: Huh? Don’t you think you should date someone longer before you propose?
Him: What do you mean? I’ve been seeing her for almost a year.
Me (eyebrows levitating off my face): Excuse me? You only broke up with me six months ago.
Him: Um. Well. Um.
Me: You were dating her the whole time, while telling me we were exclusive?
Him: I didn’t want to upset you.
~~~
Conversation I had with a male pal a couple of years ago:
Me to male pal: So I hear you and [girlfriend] signed a lease together! That’s great!
Him: (unenthusiastically) Yeah.
Me: It’s not great?
Him: I love her, but I don’t see us getting married, and I know she considers that the next step.
Me: So why did you agree to live with her?
Him: She really wanted it, and I didn’t want to hurt her feelings.
Me: You don’t think it’s going to hurt her feelings more when she finds out you only moved in with her because it was easier than breaking up with her?
Him: I’m not going to say that to her!
Me: Oh, are you going to marry her to keep from hurting her feelings, too?
~~~
I am all in favor of being nice, if by “nice” you mean “behaving with integrity, being clear and straightforward, and not being deliberately cruel.” And sometimes that means acknowledging that you’re going to disappoint someone, dash someone’s hopes, or break through someone’s denial. Sucking it up and accepting that you can’t please everyone. Deciding that your own needs and desires are just as important as the other person’s.
I am vehemently opposed to being nice, if by “nice” you mean “not causing conflict that might leave me feeling bad about myself” or “concealing what someone else needs to know because the consequences of revealing it might make me uncomfortable.” That’s not being nice; it’s being manipulative. At worst, it’s sociopathic, something people do to get away with murder. At best, it’s codependency, being willing to sacrifice yourself in exchange for the dubious reward of feeling like the Good Guy. And that’s a booby prize, isn’t it? Because once the other person finds out you did (or failed to do) something simply because you wanted to keep the peace, well, the other person will be twice as upset. Because at that point it’s not just about what you actually did or didn’t do; it’s also about the fact that you’ve been living a lie ever since.
Filed under Uncategorized | Comments (6)