Interests and values

A blogger I read regularly makes fairly frequent posts about how what matters in relationships are shared values, not shared interests. Recently, she revisited the topic yet again, and as I read the comments, I arrived at a jaw-dropping realization:

A surprising number of people don’t know the difference between interests and values.

Actually, that shouldn’t surprise me all that much. Look at any dating website. Read a few profiles and notice what people emphasize. They talk about how they love hiking and biking and want to meet someone outdoorsy. They brag about their advanced degrees and say they’re looking for someone who makes a six-figure income. They discuss their swank lifestyle and specify that they want to fall in love with someone tall, slender, and well-dressed. They say they’re looking forward to meeting someone for marriage and kids. Those things are interests.

It’s possible to reframe interests as values, if you dig into them. The people in my examples could say “I value a healthy, active lifestyle,” or “I value security, which I believe a good education and income provide,” or “I value my image, which the right person will burnish,” or “I value family life.” Those things are values. You and I may not share all of them, but they’re values nonetheless.

Interests are what people do. Values are who people are.

Some things are both interests and values. I am not interested in parenting and do not date men with young children; I value a childfree lifestyle. I am interested in good food and good drink, though not to excess; I value reasonable amounts of sensual pleasure. I don’t care what people do for a living as long as they pay their bills; I value being self-supporting and responsible. I’m interested in doing my job well and being paid fairly for it; I value treating my skills and talents with respect. You get the idea.

I know someone who had an affair with a married man. She kept telling me they had so much in common. They were both into baseball, Shakespeare, and punk rock. They both wanted to live in Italy some day and loved going out to eat. Neither of them was especially close to their families. How could two people so compatible not be destined to be together? Except that what she valued was True Love Forever, and what he valued was Getting A Little Sumpin’-Sumpin’ When The Wife’s Away. Bzzt. Irreconcilable difference there.

After a lot of soul-searching, she realized that. She also realized that she didn’t seem to value True Love as much as she thought she did. What her actions said she valued was Sitting Around Waiting For A Lying Cheater To Be Honest And Devoted. (As she said later, after coming to her senses: “Thanks for being such great role models, Mom and Dad.”)

I’m not sure how the definition of “values” got so blurred, but somehow, it has. Don’t get me wrong. I’m not judging, because lordy, have I ever been there. I wrestle all the time with the difference between what I believe my priorities are and what my actions indicate they actually are. I say I value being good to myself, but then I deprive myself of things that would give me pleasure. I try to justify it by saying I value being sensible with my money, but then why do I waste money on things I don’t really enjoy? I claim I value honesty, but my reluctance to speak up when it’s called for suggests I actually value not making waves. I say I value putting my own needs first, but when someone accuses me of being selfish, I default to valuing Not Giving Anyone A Reason To Dislike Me.

So my primary value these days is being clear about my values (and then sticking to them, come what may). And anyone who tempts me to violate them is someone I need not to let too far into my life — no matter how many interests we might have in common.

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