There’s no “I” in “supply”

In the last week, I’ve turned down two opportunities to help out other people because there wasn’t anything in it for me.

Hold your horses. Before you start accusing me of being a calculating, selfish user, let me elaborate.

In the first case, I got a request for an introduction to a professional connection from someone who’s been entirely off my radar for several years. No hi-how-ya-doing, no “I know we’ve been out of touch but I was wondering if you’d be willing to…” — just the expectation that I’ll open up my virtual Rolodex on demand for someone I haven’t seen or spoken to since John Kerry was the Democratic candidate for president. I’m all about logrolling, but at least butter me up a little first!

In the second case, a friend of someone I dated many years ago contacted me to ask if I’d be willing to offer emotional support while he goes through a rough patch in his personal life. I’m sure the friend meant well, but the request was just…odd. Let’s set aside (as if that was possible) how a man might feel about having his dirty laundry aired to an long-ago girlfriend. I’ve exchanged holiday cards with this ancient ex now and then over the years, but that’s pretty much the only contact we’ve had since the Pleistocene. I’m not inclined to offer up my shoulder to anyone but my closest friends — and certainly not someone who no longer knows me and might be tempted to idealize me as the girl who got away, now grown up into a woman-shaped bandage for his emotional wounds.

I politely responded to both situations by saying I didn’t think it would be appropriate for me to do what they were asking.

This is a bigger deal than you might imagine. I used to worry so much about whether saying no was “nice” that I considered a ringing telephone a demand, not a request, and felt guilty if I screened my calls. I didn’t feel the slightest hesitation over saying no this time. No second-guessing, no regrets. Apparently, I’ve finally given myself permission to be discerning about where I offer up my contacts, my shoulder, my time, and my effort.

The energy has to flow both ways. I’m not a battery. I’m not willing to drain myself to charge someone else up.

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